Why Can’t I Just Like My Job?

23 Dec

Yet another job I am slowly coming to dislike. The past couple of days have really changed my fondness for my job, as my schedule has been moved around drastically on a daily basis, obliterating my Christmas and New Year’s plans. I get it, I work in 24-hour news, I guess I should expect to work Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and apparently New Year’s Eve. But that doesn’t mean it’s fair, or that I’m happy about it. Plus, one day I’m working Christmas, the next I’m not, then the next day I am! My boss seems to have a supreme problem making a schedule and sticking to it, without it affecting her life at all. Meanwhile, all of us are getting whiplash from the constant and unnecessary adjustments.

I’m getting discouraged. Perhaps it’s just a mental reaction to my constant sleep-deprivation that I’m once again feeling down about my job and my future, and it’s not a welcome feeling. I slogged through six months of feeling like I was on the brink of some massive failure before pulling myself out to more solid and promising ground. And yet here I find myself again, doubting my career choice, doubting the purpose for doing all of this, and basically feeling like a sad sack. While I have yet to disintegrate into hysterical tears or pound mercilessly on my car dashboard, I’m just getting really tired of feeling so unclear as to what it is I should–and want–to be doing with my life.

Now, this doesn’t have to do with setting high expectations this time, because I tried to set the bar low. I didn’t want to make the same mistakes. And it’s not the job per se, it’s the whole lifestyle.Maybe I’m asking for too much, but it would be nice to actually enjoy my job and see my friends and family occasionally and actually make some money.  I didn’t imagine that the most basic tenets of a job would be completely foreign to me. Instead of having a semi-work-life-balance, my life has zero balance. I sleep, commute, work, and in my free time I obsess about sleep and the disturbing disappearance of it in my life.

I wonder if it’s just me. Maybe I’m just not cut out for working. Maybe I don’t have the ambition that I thought I did. I know I don’t have the patience. But the word document with my Pulitzer-prize winning novel still only contains a blinking cursor, so right now, I think the choice has been made.

Hopefully once the holidays pass and the irritation of having to work every major holiday this year has faded, I’ll be more positive.  And hopefully my boss will set a New Year’s resolution to actually do her job correctly. But if I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that you can’t have it all.

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