Archive | September, 2012


28 Sep

Earlier this afternoon, I went to the pharmacy to pick up some things, and in a last-minute move, grabbed a pack of gum. BAD IDEA. Because that gum is now gone. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, in just a little over two hours, I’ve chewed seventeen pieces of Trident gum. Minty fresh!

Let me assure you, there is nothing more professional than chomping on a massive wad of gum while in the middle of a conference call. O, you hadn’t heard that? That’s because it’s not professional at all! Yet this is exactly what I did. While other people talked, I chewed–any question directed at me was met with an awkward five-second silence where I tried removing this behemoth of gum paste from my jaws.

I can’t really think of a good reason why I feel the need to chew so many pieces of gum at once, but this has been a life-long obsession/compulsion of mine! One of my biggest childhood goals was to eat an entire roll of Bubble Tape in one sitting (…still unfulfilled…). The best Christmas present I ever received was a case of Orbit…which I promptly finished by New Years! But you’d think as an adult, I’d have gotten my gum consumption under control, especially at work! Who wants to talk to someone with chipmunk cheeks and an eye-watering level of fresh breath? Apparently no one, because I’ve been sitting in silence all day!

So this is why I don’t usually buy gum, except in moments of crippling weakness and impulse purchasing at the drug store. Otherwise, the only time I chew it is when someone offers it to me, and that only opens the flood gates of a deep desire to later rifle through their desk and find the rest of the pack! Trust me on this one, I’ve never stooped that low…but I’ve thought about it. Lock your desks, people!

O, Hello Outfit! You’re Great.

26 Sep

So I am pretty obsessed with my outfit today! Not to sound vain (which it will) but I look good! It has all the elements of a winning ensemble: I look professional, it includes a blazer, and someone told me I look like Jackie O. I would put this firmly in the “success” box.

Like everything else I do in the morning, picking my outfit is always an ordeal. Because I have yet to discover the merits of laying something out the night before, I spend five minutes perusing my closet, while simultaneously brushing my teeth and attempting to locate my keys. But today, the fashionistas were in my favor! After flipping through my coats with fifteen minutes left to get out the door, I discovered a blazer I had forgotten about, with a shirt on the hanger underneath which I had also forgotten about! This lovely ensemble paired with a good hair day put me in wonderful mood and I’ve been productive and chipper all day!

Listen, it’s not like I dress like a slob, but most of the time, my philosophy about my wardrobe is “Thank God this looks good because I got dressed in two minutes.” So when I not only look but then feel especially fashionable, it’s a true feat! Maybe this will inspire me to finally start planning my outfits the night before, in an attempt at repeating this marvelous day! Then who knows what that could lead to–I can only dream it would involve pre-made lunches and an organized purse! Well…we all have aspirations, don’t we?

The Stars Are Rude

21 Sep

This week…needs to be over. I’m tired and ready to bask in the gloriousness of this amazing weather and indulge in a very large glass of wine! Some weeks are just like this, in that they drag and are filled with lots of emotions! I should have expected it though, after I read my horoscope earlier this week!

Usually, I don’t buy into that stuff, and I’ve never in my life explained a personality trait by saying “O, that’s because I’m an Aries.” I’ve never attempted to start a conversation by asking “What’s your sign?” Basically, horoscopes are meant to be read in spacey accents, with lots of oohs and aahs. When I was in high school, my sister and I used to read everyone’s horoscope from our teen magazines…my married father got lots of flirting advice on snagging the perfect “boy-toy” back in the day!

But the other day while chatting with my friend, she decided to share my horoscope with me, and it was the worst one I had ever read! Apparently, my week was destined to suck, because of my “swinging mood,” my tendency to “fly off the handle,” and the fact that I am “egocentric.” Then, to make it even worse, the creme de la creme:  “It looks like you’re going to end up alone since the stars have decided to run away. Bless them, they should be able to enjoy a much nicer week than in your company.” That was my actual horoscope! Uh, the stars are a bunch of rude jerks!

I’m not saying this week was bad because the stars didn’t align, but maybe I should be paying better attention to the cosmos! I have a few fun weekend things planned but don’t want to ruin them if my moon beams aren’t in balance! Ugh, I think I just need to take a deep breath and look forward to a nice weekend and a new week…and maybe also schedule an appointment with a sage!


18 Sep

Ugh, I have had the worst time falling asleep lately! It’s getting to the point where I’m starting to dread bedtime, knowing that instead of sweet dreams, I’ll be spending hours staring at the ceiling before my lids decide to cooperate! I thought I had solved this problem during my vacation, where I effectively wiped my brain clean from any and all over-thinking, and even the first week or so after I got back was filled with delightful REM slumber. However, my overactive brain has revved itself back into nocturnal brain-dump mode, and I haven’t been able to fall asleep until 3 am in a week!

The most annoying thing about it is that I spend the entire day dragging and feeling groggy. Then I go home and sit around some more because I’m too tired to do anything! You’d think this compounded exhaustion would send me to bed at 9pm, but once I brush my teeth and hit the sack, that’s when my mind decides to explode. “What could you possibly be thinking about for four hours before you fall asleep?” you may ask. Well, wouldn’t you like to know! Basically, in the dark of night, my mind flits from one thing to the next, a paper-thin connection the only segue. Observe, an excerpt from my mind, at 1 am:

“This was a busy day–of course I could’ve been more productive, so I should really start formulating my to-do list right now, and then repeat it ten times over so I don’t forget it in the morning. Specifically, don’t forget that you have to send those emails! Also don’t forget it’s your grandpa’s birthday and you should call him. Speaking of…your phone. It sucks. Why don’t you get an iPhone? I guess it’s kind of expensive and I should be saving money. Which reminds me, I need to pay my electric bill. That was kind of a lot this month, thank goodness I don’t have to use my fan anymore now that it’s cooler! Fall! I love fall so much! What’s the weather going to be like tomorrow? What am I going to wear? I should break out that blue blazer…o wait, it has red on it, I should really get just a plain blue blazer. I should run to the Gap during lunch! Good point…I should try to get up earlier and make my lunch tomorrow. I think it would be cool if I was a chef. Maybe I’ll go to culinary school someday! Oh my God, remember that time in college when I made huevos rancheros and put an entire can of jalapenos in it? I really like Mexican food. Maybe I’ll take my next vacation to Mexico! How cool would that be? Travelling is so much fun, I loved living abroad. Studying abroad was really great, I should just rehash every trip I went on during those four months right at this very moment, because what else is there to do, you know?”

Uh, maybe I should add “Get a prescription for Ambien” to my list of nightly musings….

Casa de Critter

13 Sep

There are a lot of great things about living on my own. The independence, the privacy, the bragging rights…but one thing I don’t like is having to deal with the growing presence of little critters in my apartment. When I was living at home, my dad was master exterminator. He was the one who would suck up the disgusting clusters of lady bugs that freaked me out, or pluck an enormous daddy-long-legs from the shower curtain. Now these delightful tasks have fallen to me! Just this week, there was a giant bug lurking in my magazine stack, and an ant colony under my sink! But last night, it all culminated into quite possibly the most traumatic thing to happen to an apartment dweller: There was a MOUSE in my apartment! Insert screeching, shrieking, and terrified hopping at your own discretion.

The giant bug and the ant problem were easily solved with an overly enthusiastic spraying of half a can of Raid and more shrieking, but the mouse?! Ewwwwarggggggguhhhhhheeeeekkkk! There I was, peacefully lounging on my bed with a book, when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a movement which sat me up so quickly, my neck is still sore! And there, at the base of a chair I will now never sit in again, was a mouse! A tiny, cute little brown mouse…WHAT? NO. RODENTS. UGH.

Of course, maturely, I immediately started screaming, which surprised the mouse. But instead of running towards whatever hole in came in, it ran closer to my couch! So I shrieked, dropped my book on the floor, and shouted “Get out mouse!” until it ran back under the chair! I then cautiously got down on the floor to see if it was still there, and then started freaking out some more before realizing it was just the chair leg! Regardless, I spent the rest of the night tip-toeing across the floor, running past the “mouse area” and ripping the covers off my bed, thinking there would be another one snuggled up!

I just got back from the store, where I purchased six boxes worth of traps. Although thinking about it now, the only thing worse than seeing a mouse is having to dispose of one! Let’s hope he went home…or at least started living at my annoying neighbor’s place! Ah, adulthood!

The Best Seat in the House

11 Sep

There are a few words I would use to describe myself, but “sports fanatic” is not one of them. Sure, I can be fanatical about some things, like say, collaging, or the particular configuration of my decorative sofa pillows, but about sports? Not so much. However, last night, I was TOTALLY INTO the US Open Men’s Tennis Final, so much so that I stayed at work until 9:30 PM just to watch it!

I don’t have a TV in my apartment, and when the match started at 4:30 PM, I figured they’d bang out the sets in a couple of hours and I’d be good to go! Four hours later, once the automatic blinds began dropping from the office windows and the lights started clicking off, they were just getting into the fifth set! At this point, I was literally the only person in the office, and was tempted to camp out in the conference room, where there is an enormous television hanging from the wall. But my fear of being caught by the cleaning crew with my feet up, combined with the eeriness of being in an empty office by myself, kept me hunched over my desk, an expense report open as a ploy!

Before the place cleared out, my enthusiasm over each amazing rally had to be stuffed inside, because a.) I was supposed to be working and b.) I didn’t want to bring out the wrath of my coworkers.  But once people went home, it was party time! It was such a good match, I was glued to the TV until the very end, cheering as each winning shot was slammed to the baseline and groaning when a bad one slapped against the tape! It was awesome! Yay, sports!

Hm, thinking about this in retrospect, I suppose it’s a testament to my vivid social life that this was how I spent my evening. Yikes…off to get a life now, or at least tickets to next year’s tournament!

A Miracle Has Occurred

7 Sep

Ah, the end of the week! How is it possible that I’m already ready for a break? Obviously it’s going to take more than four days to get back into work mode–all of the motivation I had on Tuesday morning was promptly replaced Tuesday afternoon with the desire to go and eat an ice cream cone and vedge out in the sun. Of course, I did both of these things.

Despite the fact that this week was a bit of a let-down on several levels, my beachy vibes were scoring me compliments all over the place! My tan, my new dress–I was just basking in the glow of my own vanity!  And then–incredibly–someone complimented me on my hair. Yes. This actually happened.

Can we just ruminate on this for a second? SOMEONE GAVE ME A COMPLIMENT ON MY COIF. Usually, the only people who ever say anything nice about my hair are my sister, while trying to talk me off the ledge and wrangle the scissors out of my hand before I cut stress-bangs; and my mom, who really doesn’t have a choice. But this person was a coworker, someone who probably doesn’t have any idea the trauma and angst this head of hair has caused me. How were they to know this passing compliment would elevate my week from a crummy 4 to a solid 7?!

I have honestly considered taking another vacation, just so I can come back and get another compliment about my tresses. Seems a little extreme, yes, but that was a one-in-a-million opportunity! Literally….for the next one million years, I will not get another compliment like that. So…where are we headed???