Tag Archives: jaded

Why I Hate Boredom

24 Mar

The past two weeks have slowed down from the manic pace of my first weeks here, finally sputtering to a complete halt. I’ve spent the past few days living in deja vu: endless New York Times reading (while it’s still free), endless Facebook-ing, and endless paranoia that I will never be successful at anything I ever do. Aaannnddd I’m over-dramatic.

Yes, for me, boredom=crippling insecurity. With nothing else to occupy it, my mind floats into “life-failure” territory, and all the things I was sure of when I was busier–or had less time to think about–come waltzing back in, ready to upend the confidence I reached along with a staggering ability to multi-task. Now, my multi-tasking consists of drinking my fifth cup of tea while texting my sister at the same time.

But shouldn’t I be changing the world at this point? I mean, I’ve already been here A MONTH.

Hopefully you all got that little bit of sarcasm. I need to get it too. It’s been a month. Just a month! Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither will my journalism career. I’m just completely immune to the idea of a little something called PATIENCE. But when everyday seems to present another life-changing choice, (should I drive my car off a cliff? Should I move out or live home? Should I cut bangs in my hair?) the idea of stability and anything longterm is a completely foreign concept.

I’m just not the sort of person that does well with nothing to do. Maybe I need to relax, sign up for yoga. Maybe I need to realize that they hired me for a reason and that they’re not discussing my total uselessness upstairs in the corner office. Maybe I’m just an egomaniac who needs to stop drinking so much coffee in the morning. Maybe I really just need to find something productive to do that doesn’t include the words “apartment” and “hunting.”

Advertisements

Sunday, Unraveling

31 Jan

Today has not been a good day. I had high hopes–I’m finally off the overnight, which is something I had practically begged my boss to do for me. But basically, I have no idea what I’m doing. Used to the efficient order of my typical overnight shift, working during the day has introduced a whole new set of challenges–blinking phone lines, new people, breaking news–all of which are leaving me a little frazzled.

My complete paranoia of feeling incompetent at work has put my ego on high alert. Maybe I’m just self-absorbed, but I feel the judgement of my coworkers boring into my half-awake brain. Obviously I don’t expect to be perfect at everything, right? Um…well…ahem…ok, maybe I do.

It’s not exactly a secret that I tend to put a lot of unnecessary pressure on myself and set high expectations over things that aren’t always worth it. So the second something starts to slip, I immediately imagine myself unemployed and unemployable. Can’t answer the phone correctly? My future in journalism is over.

I think I need to get a grip. No, I know I need to get a grip. Despite the muddled mess I seem to be making of my life right now, the one thing that’s crystal clear is that I need to relax.  Come on, me–a Sunday afternoon is not going to make or break my entire career. Or is it?

The rational side of me is going to get a coffee. The irrational side will be spending the rest of the night memorizing international phone codes.  It’s a process people.

Obvious but Necessary: A Resolutions Post

1 Jan

Ah, New Years. Where to begin? Should I reflect back, look forward….cry some more? No, definitely no more crying in 2011. I need to get a grip, hold myself up high, and focus on the good things in my life. Perhaps the glass of champagne that greeted me as I walked into work tonight can be the first of such positives?

Now of course, 2010 wasn’t a bad year. Challenging seems a more fitting phrase, but it had its share of good moments. I graduated from college, had a great internship which at the time exposed me to some pristine life-clarity, and made some new friends. I also learned a lot about myself–I have a penchant for road rage and breaking down into hysterical tears, have become an expert on managing life with constant, often crippling self-doubt, and realized my life’s work is better without that pesky second word. But the positives! We’re focusing on the positives. Let’s see….I made some money? Ugh, I give up.

Naturally, I love New Years, because I am the queen of the “fresh start.” Every Sunday signals a new week, every Monday a new work week, the first of the month, the first hour of the day….all of those times I get to wipe my slate clean, whip up another list and plow through my day. So my New Year’s Resolutions are like the ultimate list, and like every other bullet point scratched on a post-it, most of them never get done. But maybe this is my year. Positive. THIS IS MY YEAR. And so, my resolutions:

1. Travel: Maybe if I just stay out of the country long enough, I can come back and my life will be perfect.

2. Move out: After being informed by my father in a random, totally out-of-the-blue conversation that my sister has nabbed the  “favorite daughter spot for the 10th year in a row”, I think it’s time to scour Craigslist, buy a futon, and resume life as a poor, penny-pinching 20-something.

3. Stop biting my nails: Standard. For the past 22 years.

4.  Find a social life: Texting my friends once a week and having one-sided conversations with the radio DJ does not a social life make.

5. Move forward…or move on: So far, I’m six months into chasing my dream….and I haven’t gotten very far. Hopefully I can move up and far away from these overnight hours and trivial work and towards something I actually want to be doing. Not my dream job, but something within the wide net of it. If not, 2011 maybe the time to take a step back and re-route this road I’ve been stumbling down since May.

6. Wear more red lipstick and listen to jazz: 2011 is going to be a classy year for me, dollface. I’ll be pulled together, refined, and stylish. And everything will all work out.

So we shall see what this year brings. I’m visualizing perfect hair, a male model on my arm, and a car service taking me to and from work. Hey, can’t fault me for really, really trying to be positive.

Happy New Year everyone!!