Tag Archives: special message

Dear God, Please Make it Sunny Again

28 Sep

Dear God,

Here’s the deal. I’m really, really, REALLY sick of this weather. My hair is sick of this weather. My summer/fall wardrobe is sick of this weather. It’s time for you to let the sun shine, and for the beautiful fall weather I adore so much to arrive. Last time I checked, I lived in Jersey, not the jungle.

I know I tend to ask you for a lot of silly things (like the time I begged you to make someone steal my car so I could collect the insurance money, or my daily prayers for a commute that’s less than two hours) but this is no joke. I am tired of the gray weather, the constant rain, and the disgusting humidity. Please God, make the sky turn that beautiful crisp blue and the thermometer drop below 65 degrees so I can wear my new tweed blazer. I look really good in that blazer.

Here’s the thing, God. People act really dumb when it’s raining, dumber than they usually do, if you can imagine that! (Of course you can…you’re God.) A rainy day means that people drive slower, make right hand turns slower, shift lanes slower…frankly it’s driving me insane. And then, when I finally get to the city, people are doubly preoccupied with the difficult task of holding an umbrella and walking at the same time! I hate to admit this, but more than once I have contemplated poking someone with the tip of my umbrella, which is rather sharp. Fine…I’ll admit I think about this a lot. Like, a lot a lot.

So God, please. Give me fall. Give me sun. Give me one day without frizzy, unmanageable hair.

Love always,

Me

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Walking in a Straight Line: A Tutorial

30 Jun

There are things in my life that I find extremely difficult. Walking in a straight line is not one of them.

Call me crazy, but wandering around with my head buried in a newspaper, or more likely, a cell phone or blackberry, is not the smartest thing to be doing on a crowded New York City sidewalk. And yet, time and time again, I dodge complete idiots walking aimlessly in a diagonal fashion, slowly enough to make it hard to interpret the best way to get around them. Will they meander left? Saunter right? But when I make the move to go around, they wake up from their trance and run right into me.

All of this had led me to believe that walking in a straight line is the equivalent of, say, filling out my tax forms, or coiffing my hair in the morning. Which means it’s extremely difficult. But like both of these examples, there is typically a set of steps you would follow to get the desired result. For example, if I have a hard time filing my taxes, the steps include 1. Printing out the forms and 2. Handing them to my dad. Fixing my hair involves 1.  Brushing it 2. Crying 3. Bobby pins and headbands. See, simple!

Of course, some people may need a bit more direction (pun intended…). So below is a step-by-step (again…pun intended) tutorial on mastering the art of walking on a New York City sidewalk, in a straight line.

1. PUT YOUR PHONE/BLACKBERRY/IPAD/TALKING DEVICE AWAY: This is imperative to walking in a straight line.

2. Survey the scene: Are there a lot of people on the sidewalk? What is the situation like behind you? Do you see a young female barreling across the street in an attempt to make it to work on time? If you do, it is even more crucial  to focus on the task at hand.

3. Find your end point: This may be somewhat advanced, so in the beginning stages, take it block by block.

4. Walk to it, straightly: Put one foot in front of the other, try your best to keep your body moving forward, and resist the urge to bury your face in your phone/blackberry/ipad/talking device.

5. Repeat steps 1-4 until you reach your destination: Be sure to pat yourself on the back when you arrive, because this was a huge accomplishment and you should be proud.

6. Repeat steps 1-5 EVERY TIME YOU WALK OUTSIDE: Please. I am begging you.

Feel free to print this guide out and keep it in your pocket. Just make sure you don’t actually read it while walking, as it will invariably distract you and detract from your goal. Best of luck!

A Special Message to the man arguing with his wife. On the phone. On the Bus. At 11:30 PM.

29 Nov

Dear MAWHWOTPOTBA11:30PM,

Ok. Here’s the first thing: SHUT. UP. IT IS 11:30 PM ON A SUNDAY NIGHT AND YOU ARE TALKING REALLY LOUD AND IT’S ANNOYING. I understand this is not an entirely unacceptable hour to be talking to someone on the phone, and maybe you thought it would be a worthwhile use of your time to have this intense conversation on a bus that’s not really that crowded. But there is no excuse for talking this loud, on a bus. Ever. Don’t you see the sign above the front window, partially covered by a Christmas wreath in an attempt to make this bus apparently seem more holiday-esque? Neither do I actually, but it’s there. Please trust me on this one.

Your wife/girlfriend sounds pretty upset. I know this because I can hear her through the phone which you have turned up really loud. So maybe it would be better to have this conversation in person. I get that you don’t trust her anymore, but as long as I’m this involved, why don’t you just tell her what she did, because we both really want to know. Especially her. Just let it out. I’d rather hear that than “You don’t get it. I can’t trust you” 100 times in a row. She does get it. I get it, WE ALL GET IT. You can’t trust her. Just tell her why and MOVE ON. AND TURN OFF YOUR PHONE.

A word of advice. Sometimes, it can be really therapeutic to hang up on someone and seethe in silence. Here’s how that works: Say something like “I’m done with this now” or “I’ve had it!” and then hang up, snap the phone shut, and throw it on the seat. At this point, I’m getting close to begging you to do this, since my continuous pivots to stare you down haven’t worked. So why don’t you just stop being a disrespectful jerk face, be mature, and hang up on the woman. Then she can call you back and you can ignore her, which is another way of getting your “I’m angry with you” point across. Actions speak louder than words, even right now, when words are speaking PRETTY LOUDLY.

Thanks!