Tag Archives: stupidity

An Aura of Idiocy

8 Mar

I think the spring pollen is going straight to my brain! All week I’ve been battling a serious case of stupidity. It started on Monday, when I was asked to fact-check some legal information for a story I’m working on. Considering I have exactly ZERO LEGAL EXPERIENCE, this was much more difficult than anticipated. I thought I had solved this problem weeks ago (the fact-checking…not the legal experience), but it was dug back up this week, and one look at the pile of documents on my desk confirmed that any and all information relating to the law had been completely erased from my memory.  Several phone calls to the lawyer and countless laborious sighs later, I finally had a paper-thin grasp on the issues, which was promptly torn in half when I relayed this information to my producer and he asked me another question about it.

And thus continued the rest of my week. While I sometimes feel like I’m one light-bulb too dark at work, this week seemed to be a complete blackout of my brain. I consider myself a smart person, but with the constant learning curve at this job, I feel like I give more blank stares than educated answers. I need to go back to college, where I said things like “The philosophical connotations of this piece were quite immense” and used big words like “metamorphosis.” Academia!

Listen, I know I’m not dumb, but I want my coworkers to know that too! Every time I think I’m finally getting the hang of things and am smoothly sailing through my day, something else comes up that throws me for a loop. If it’s not legal jargon, it’s a technology flub, or a finance question! Why can’t people ask me about things I’m an expert on, like…well…hm. Let me get back to you on that.

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Walking in a Straight Line: A Tutorial

30 Jun

There are things in my life that I find extremely difficult. Walking in a straight line is not one of them.

Call me crazy, but wandering around with my head buried in a newspaper, or more likely, a cell phone or blackberry, is not the smartest thing to be doing on a crowded New York City sidewalk. And yet, time and time again, I dodge complete idiots walking aimlessly in a diagonal fashion, slowly enough to make it hard to interpret the best way to get around them. Will they meander left? Saunter right? But when I make the move to go around, they wake up from their trance and run right into me.

All of this had led me to believe that walking in a straight line is the equivalent of, say, filling out my tax forms, or coiffing my hair in the morning. Which means it’s extremely difficult. But like both of these examples, there is typically a set of steps you would follow to get the desired result. For example, if I have a hard time filing my taxes, the steps include 1. Printing out the forms and 2. Handing them to my dad. Fixing my hair involves 1.  Brushing it 2. Crying 3. Bobby pins and headbands. See, simple!

Of course, some people may need a bit more direction (pun intended…). So below is a step-by-step (again…pun intended) tutorial on mastering the art of walking on a New York City sidewalk, in a straight line.

1. PUT YOUR PHONE/BLACKBERRY/IPAD/TALKING DEVICE AWAY: This is imperative to walking in a straight line.

2. Survey the scene: Are there a lot of people on the sidewalk? What is the situation like behind you? Do you see a young female barreling across the street in an attempt to make it to work on time? If you do, it is even more crucial  to focus on the task at hand.

3. Find your end point: This may be somewhat advanced, so in the beginning stages, take it block by block.

4. Walk to it, straightly: Put one foot in front of the other, try your best to keep your body moving forward, and resist the urge to bury your face in your phone/blackberry/ipad/talking device.

5. Repeat steps 1-4 until you reach your destination: Be sure to pat yourself on the back when you arrive, because this was a huge accomplishment and you should be proud.

6. Repeat steps 1-5 EVERY TIME YOU WALK OUTSIDE: Please. I am begging you.

Feel free to print this guide out and keep it in your pocket. Just make sure you don’t actually read it while walking, as it will invariably distract you and detract from your goal. Best of luck!

Everyone: I HAVE A SUNBURN! We can move on now.

20 Jun

Apparently, I can no longer spend more than 5 minutes underneath the rays of the burning sun, because yesterday, in an attempt to eliminate my embarrassing farmer’s tan from a few weeks back, I instead burned every square inch of flesh not covered by a bathing suit to a deep red.

I look ridiculous. Aside from the overall lobster-eque coloring I’ve taken on, the back of my arms and legs are still pale, as is my neck. Because it’s approximately 9 million degrees out, I can’t really walk around in a turtle neck and jeans, which would be my only option in hiding my bizarre tan lines.

But obviously, sun burn is not some rare, never-before-seen skin disorder, and obviously, I’m fully aware of my ailment! Which is why the non-stop “OMG, look at your shoulders!” and “OMG, you’re red!” comments are not only getting annoying, but are also completely unnecessary. I was talking to a coworker this morning and I could have been reciting the Declaration of Independence, so engrossed was he in making faces over my rosy skin.

Everytime I talk to someone, they grimace in pain, unable to get over the fact that I’m the one that’s red! I seem to be eliciting sympathy pains in everyone I interact with! People’s complete bewilderment over my sunburn  makes it seem like I’m the only person in the world to ever roast in the sun a little longer than advisable. It’s summer. I am pale. I will burn.

I’m getting close to wearing a sign around my neck with the simple message: “I Know” with an arrow pointing to my face. But until then, I’m just going to continue slathering on Aloe Vera and looking into stores that carry high-necked caftans.

Oops, I Did It Again

3 May

You may recall just a few months ago, my excruciating embarrassment over a spelling error in a mass email I sent out, where I spelled “assistant” wrong. You would think after the shame I felt over such a blatant faux pas, I would be extra careful to spell check each and every email I sent out, especially when sending to a large group of people. But of course, you would be wrong. So, so, soooooo wrong.

In the past week, perhaps because of the busyness at work and the dearth of emails demanding responses, I’ve become a little lax in my self-sensory and spell check abilities. I sent my coworker an email where I mixed up the usage of the word “here.” This is what I wrote:

“I’ll be hear early tomorrow. We can meet then.”

I AM SO DUMB I CAN’T EVEN GET OVER IT.

Of course, it gets worse. So much more shudderingly-crawling-under-the-desk-face-turning-bright-red worse. I sent an email out to the ENTIRE DEPARTMENT which included my boss, her boss, and his boss, among many others, and after reading it through several times, running spell-check and then reading it once more, sent it out. AT THAT MOMENT, I realized I had spelled “various” as “vaious.”

There are no words. Even telling this sordid tale again makes me cringe. It seems like I will never learn.

I’ll be in the corner, hanging my head in shame.

A Pant-uation

5 Feb

New York is a really great city. But it’s not so great when you’re unprepared to stay for the next three days. With one pair of leggings and no hairbrush.

Let me explain–last night,  I went out for dinner with my friends and then out for a birthday party. It was the first time I had been outside in three days, out of pajamas for god-knows-how much longer, and out on the town in weeks. I had a great time and stayed over my friend’s house before getting brunch and then heading into work for my 4-12 shift, where I am now.

I assumed I’d be able to take a 12:30 am bus back to my car in New Jersey tonight, get some sleep, change into better shoes and warmer clothes and be back here again for my Sunday shift. But New Jersey Transit, in their seemingly never-ending campaign to make my life a living hell, cancelled their 12:30 bus service. So now I’m stuck here until Monday morning.

This was obviously something I didn’t plan on, otherwise I would’ve brought more than ONE PAIR OF PANTS. I wore the pants last night, I’m wearing them today, and will continue to wear them to work, to bed, to meals, back to work, back to bed, and then finally home.

Plus, it’s raining out today and my ONE PAIR of shoes and socks is now sopping wet. I also lost my hairbrush, ran out of mouthwash, don’t have my phone charger and am basically a HOT MESS. O yea, and I’m going to Barcelona on Monday and have a boat-load of stuff to do.

WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME NEW JERSEY TRANSIT????? I NEED TO GO HOME. I NEED NEW PANTS.

I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be kind of awkward.

DAMN YOU SPELL CHECK

23 Jan

HOLY MOTHER OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. I am an idiot.

Tonight, I decided my “big project” was going to be figuring out how to make an email signature. Considering it took me almost an hour to learn how to turn on my “out of office assistant,” I anticipated this being more involved than it actually was. You’re looking at the next IT mastermind, let me tell you…

Anyway, ten minutes later, I was in business, just in time to send out my hourly updates to a group of about 15 people. Badda-bing, badda-boom, email sent, signature signed OMG I SPELLED ASSISTANT WRONG.

WTF, ME?

My immediate reaction:

Honestly, this is pretty inexcusable. Not only did I graduate from a good university with a high GPA, but I MAJORED IN JOURNALISM AND NOW WORK IN THE MEDIA. WHICH MEANS WRITING. WHICH MEANS I SHOULD BE ABLE TO SPELL WORDS LIKE ASSISTANT.

But even worse….someone emailed me to point out my gaffe:

“Not to embarrass you, so please don’t feel bad, but I noticed you misspelled “assistant” in your signature line.”

Ugh, could I be any more embarrassed?! Could I feel any worse?! Never again will I rely on spell-check alone (I say that like relying on my brain is any better…). Of course, I fixed it immediately, and thanked him for pointing it out, but the damage is done!  Please God, just take me now!